The other day was tough. As I’ve alluded to, we’ve been looking at different ways to grow our family, and anything other than the “normal” method is a long, exhausting, and expensive road. In general, if your fertility is going to return, you’ll see some progress after about a year of being done with chemo, and we’re about a month past that point now. Well… nothing has changed, and I have a 0% chance of having any more biological children. I say it that way, knowing that being a dad has nothing to do with genetics.
That said, it’s still a tough pill to swallow and something that you never really expect to hear. (Thanks, Cisplatin…) In researching adoption, not only is it expensive, but most places can and will exclude you due to medical conditions. Well, between my cancer and my wife’s cardiomyopathy, we are 2 for 2 on qualifying conditions, so that is not looking like the most viable of options.
That pretty much leaves us with IUI or IVF, but there lies the biggest struggle for me. While any child could be genetically half of my wife’s, it will be 0% me. As a husband, all I want is for her to be happy to it should be an easy decision, but it’s not. It’s yet another thing that cancer has taken away from me, the biological wiring we have to pass on our genes. I can’t help but think, yet again, why? It’s another period of grieving a loss and coming to terms with life after cancer. It’s another thing that I am angry about.
It’s easy to say that I trust God and His plan when things are all peaches and cream. When life is going well, and you feel unstoppable. It’s another thing to have faith in times like this. When it feels like you’ve been handed another situation that nobody should have to go through. Life is hard. Always has been. Always will be. It’s these times that can either bring you closer to God or drive you away. There is not staying put. You have to decide. Do you really trust Him and His plan, or do you only trust it when it’s what YOU want?