This is my right lung. That little white spot on the bottom, we don’t know exactly what that is. What we do know is that it’s growing. There is a 6 month difference between these two pictures. It grew by over .5 cm and it’s now about the size of a pea. That’s it. A pea. But it has the potential to have a massive impact on my life.
Every 3 months I have a scan and the anxiety, scanxiety as it’s called, can be paralyzing. I have my life so consumed with things that I often forget about it until a couple days before. If I didn’t, I think it would paralyze me for days, if not weeks. It consumes your thoughts. I knew I had this spot but it was stable, nobody was really worried. Yet I would get worried every 3 months. My blood pressure and pulse skyrocket before every appointment that I get the results. Fearing I’d hear something like this.
Then I usually get to wait a week to see my primary team in the Cities. That was a rough week this time. What would they think of this spot? My oncologist here wants it out. Turns out… so does my primary oncologist as well as my surgeon. That statement was made, “It doesn’t have the classical tumor look but if we biopsy it and it comes back not malignant, we wouldn’t believe it and we would remove it anyway.”
Oh great… now I’ve lost a year of time basically with my daughter, my left leg, my left half of my pelvis, and NOW PART OF MY LUNG!? This isn’t fair. Sure it’d be a small wedge and sure only 1 or 2 out of 1000 people die from this surgery… far better odds than my last one! But this feels like a step back. Another surgery. Another period of missed work, albeit a short one.
Then I hear a song on the radio by Building 429. A line in the song says “Every setback was a setup for something greater that You had in store.” Yeah. This is a set back. That’s the honest truth. But God doesn’t just allow things to happen for no reason. He has His plan and when the time is right, I might get to see what this is a setup for.
It’s ok to realize, admit, and grieve your setbacks. It’s ok. There’s a season for everything. Just realize that those setbacks ARE setups for something greater. Even though you can’t see it right now.